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puddlelilies.com / proofreading negates the immediacy of feeling

Category: Sick

  • Breathing (Day 1)

    I’m in Duncan for the weeeeeekend. “Weeeeeeekend” because I arrived on Thursday and will leave tomorrow (Monday). Here there is the Duncan Farmers Market and “Hand of Man” museum (yesterday). And fresh tomatoes, beans, zucchinis, cabbage and etc. I picked two buckets of beans yesterday for my own personal use (“YES TAKE THEM ALL” says Dad.) Also I had to hose down my car while I was here because it was covered in ash. I used the scrubber brush while I was at it to remove all the moss. AND I watched the Canada/New Zealand women’s rugby game, which was gorgeous.

    My first deep breath of the day today was just a few minutes ago while I’m sitting on my bed reading. I’m sitting up against pillows, “lounging” so it’s easy to get a nice breath in. It’s not as big of a breath as I am usually capable of, but I’m going back and forth between being better and still recovering from being sick. Safely out of the acute sickness stage, for sure, which is good, but not entirely back to normal, either. We wait. And the doctor said wait, too, when I checked in.

  • Burritos

    There are frozen burritos at Save-On. There haven’t been frozen burritos (at least the ones I want) in the stores for at long time. There was a production shortage? Maybe? Someone said that, so I sortof stopped looking, but there were some there on Saturday morning when I was at the Save-On Foods at [redacted – my burritos].

    I haven’t had a frozen burrito for three years almost to the day. You might be wondering: How can I remember something so mundane? Well first off, Hi, I’m Lindsie, nice to meet you. But second off. There are extenuating circumstances surrounding the event.

    Trigger Warning: COVID.

    When I got COVID in early July 2022 I had two frozen burritos in my freezer. They were probably Reisers brand, as that is the brand I prefer over The Other Brand, and the beef and bean flavour (e.g. the flavour that doesn’t contain cheese). (Note that I think I’ve seen “vegan” burritos in this three years since I said I haven’t had frozen burritos, but I don’t feel those count.) At the time I would have purchased a bulk bag of them: 12 to a bag, though maybe it was a box? Twelve individually packaged ones to a box. I’ve experienced both, though now I think, it was The Other Brand that had the bag.

    Either way.

    I remember I had two left because I had COVID, and I had taken an inventory of food in my house after taking the test to make sure I could survive not leaving the house for a week or five days I was supposed to quarantine for. Or, as it turned out, the two weeks before I could physically move enough to leave my apartment. Whatever.

    I probably remember i had two burritos because I was calculating when to eat them, or whether to eat them. Two days into knowing I had COVID I stopped wasting energy on making myself regular bowl-sized portions of food because I couldn’t eat them, and I didn’t want to eat any of the leftovers. I remember making a big dish of rice pudding and eating it in custard cup-sized portions that I couldn’t finish.

    I don’t remember eating the first of my last two burritos, but lots of protein and easy to prepare: I would have been glad to have it.

    The worst of my days with COVID was the Tuesday of the second week. This came probalby after a weekend of maybe thinking I was starting to feel better ( you know, COVID). But on that Tuesday, I felt bad: as in, not comfortable in any position, and most of the day spent curled up in bad (where I had been spending a lot of time before that in various reclining-sitting positions on my bed or on the couch).

    There was a point in the afternoon where I realized that I hadn’t eaten all day, and the thought was that food is necessary to live even if I don’t want it. But what was there to eat that I could even stomach when I didn’t want to eat? Luckily, there was that one last frozen burrito.

    I remember waiting for it to warm up in the microwave. I sat on the armrest of the couch, uncomfortable and having a hard time being upright, thinking to myself, This Isn’t Good.

    I ate the last burrito lying down on my side? Feeding it into my mouth sideways? Halfway through and that was enough. I moved the plate away from my face, picturing waking up with it smashed into my cheek or something. (Hehe)

    I maybe slept then, or watched/listened to the TV shows I would have had streaming – Coronation St for when I was going to sleep for sure. I don’t remember what I watched when was awake. Maybe nothing; it was a bad day and concentrating on a plot might have been too much. I would have had my curtains open to let in the light, which is nice, maybe even the window open for fresh air – Yes, in July. Yes. My laptop would have been open beside me on the bed. Close to my face: if I wasn’t wearing my glasses so I could eventually sleep I can’t see far enough if I have to adjust the volume or change to the next episode.

    I did sleep at some point, and when I woke I finished the bit of burrito, glad I didn’t have to get up to make something else; still not hungry but needing to eat. Also: imagery of baby chicks who eat at their lil trough, then sleep right there, ready to eat again when they wake up again. (Hehe.)

    Later, when I was better and looking to get them again, the Great Burrito Shortage must have been happening. Probably – like lots of things in 2022. I wondered if that maybe was a good thing – if maybe eating them again might be triggering, or if I might have lost a taste from eating them while I was sick, as happens. However, I’m pretty happy to have found them again, and not too much more expensive than they were before(burrito miracle). I bought two.

    P.S. I laughed mabye waaaay too much when I was relating this whole story to Mum this evening during our phone call. She was just quiet in a “uh that’s not really funny?” sort of way. To be fair, I found it all very hilarious at the time, so.

    P.P.S. On the day after this bad day I started getting hungry again for very specific foods. I had a list ready when Susan asked at three and she delivered after work: oranges, ketchup chips, and yogurt. I went though the whole bag of chips very quick and I was a little concerned– but then I remembered how I hadn’t eaten anything for about a week at that point so if ketchup chips was all I wanted, it was ketchup chips I was going to have.

  • COVID-19 Journal – Entry 38

    Sounds

    Over the summer, people in my neighbourhood had get togethers in their apartments and parties in their yards. General merryment: talking and laughing, and sometimes music. Nice. I had my windows open all summer, so I could hear them, and I liked it. Some people, I know, are all “grrrr, who’s having fun within my hearing grrrr.” But that’s not me. I’m like, “where does that chatter originate?” and often it’s my direct neighbours, in the house next to my apartment building (i’m on the corner of the building, so tecnically they’re my closest neighbour on that side. And often there were groups of people on their balcony’s in the building across from me – and they’re across two parking lots, so I would be impressed that their voices carried. It’s nice to be in a neighbourhood where people are doing things.

    Once in a while over the summer I could hear piano music, but it was just too far away for me to tell if it was someone playing a piano, or if it was a recording. Either way, it was nice.

    Also, there are still a few people nearby who are celebrating pandemic workers at 7pm – there’s a drum and something that clangs on most nights. I heard it yesterday- my windows are mostly closed by then each day now so there may be more noises that I don’t hear. Also, I’m busy or have the TV on I don’t always hear them anymore. Some commitment going, there. They’ve been doing it since the last week of March and all through the summer.

    Another sound that maybe doesn’t delight me as much, is my loud upstairs neighbour, who is full of mysterious bangs and thumps. He doesn’t enrage me or anything. At the very most, if I’m not paying attention and there’s a sudden noise, I am put in mind of living at home back in the day when I’d hear a thump upstairs of my brother launching, closely followed by his loud descent down the stairs, followed closely by his finding me wherever I was and punching me. So I might get a little apprehensive now, out of an old habit, followed by some brief confusion (where am I? where are stairs?), and then relief, since no one is going to beat me. Once there was enough stomping I hoped maybe he’d taken up flamenco , but, wrong rhythm.

    Today I was distracted by the sound of rain. Lots of rain! And then wind. And then wind and rain! I was pleased I didn’t have to leave the house today. I was thinking of going on a jaunt to Staples and Whole Foods for supplies. I decided to order groceries for delivery instead. New pandemic habits fitting in well with old habits of laziness and not wanting to go out into the rain. Or not wanting to go anywhere.

    Going somewhere didn’t fit in today. When I got home from Duncan yesterday (I was there overnight Sunday for Thanksgiving) I had time enough to unpack all my turkey leftovers before HEADACHE set it. It wasn’t even just HEADACHE, though. It was extreme sleepiness, followed by headache? and then HEADACHE. So I “decided” to spend the afternoon in bed. I was a little impatient with that, and with myself. But I reminded myself I sometimes need to rest a little more than usual. So I opened the window in my bedroom (it wasn’t raining out yesterday – it was sunny) and made myself into a cocoon, and wind came in and cooled my head. I alternated between watching TV, and then sleeping, and then lying awake with my eyes closed and making up stories. I tried putting on podcasts, too, but I’d just sleep through them. Not in a podcast mood yesterday. I got up at six, but wasn’t really into major accomplishments.

    I feel better today. I went through more of my personal paperwork that I’m sorting through and scanning, which I find fun. Also, it’s turkey week and I’ve made soup, which, just as a timing thing, I had for breakfast. Then leftover turkey dinner at lunch time. Then no turkey for dinner, although a turkey sandwich seemed tempting. Turkey week.

    Cozy of the Day

    I still have this yellow cardigan. This is a photo from circa 2002 and also features my first sculpture project at Camosun. I kept this cardigan in my cubby in the sculpture hut (I think – it was kept somewhere at school for sure because I remember finding it smushed up and dusty at the back of a locker or something. So maybe I left it there on purpose, or maybe I forgot it one day and then just thought it was handy to keep there.) (Photo from my personal archive – I’ve forgotten who took the photo.)

  • COVID-19 Journal Entry 32

    Disclosure: I’m catching up on Coronation Street while I compose this entry, so I might get distracted if anything interesting happens.

    Orange

    I definitely remember pressing the button on my clock radio last night to turn off the alarm, but I must have mis-pressed, and CBC radio popped on at 6:40. That’s my early wake-up time that I use on Thursdays and Fridays when I walk into the office. When I work from home, it’s set for 7… and some days I get up right away, and some I wait a little while. Some days, such as yesterday, I doze right through the radio coming on and when I notice I panic, wondering how long I haven’t noticed. I think I have to increase the volume – I’m not going to switch to the “alarm” function, because then I wake up frightened. I like the voices on CBC to wake me up. Occasionally the voices on the radio enter my dreams. That’s weird, especially if the news is on and I’m having tea with world leaders.

    So woke up this morning at 6:40 and thought to myself “what am I going to do now?” The first option was to go back to sleep. However, often in the summertime if I was up too early, I’ll go for a walk, and I haven’t done that for a while because I haven’t felt well. Today I’m feeling better, and I started to get excited. I got up to look out the window to check the weather… and it’s still smoky orange outside. Boo. I can’t go out in that because of asthma. And that’s not just a precaution, I actually get hurty lungs when I go out when it’s bad, and get huffy-puffy when it’s less bad. It’s one of only a few times when I actually notice I have asthma – I have it under control usually. I haven’t been too bothered by it this week on the whole. I’m still recovering from feeling tired and week all the time, so staying inside isn’t much of a bother. Maybe a little annoying on Tuesday when it was hot out and I had to keep my windows shut all day. Maybe got a little restless yesterday when I couldn’t go for a walk during lunch at the office. Boo.

    I did some exercises in my living room instead, which was fine. And something I have to get back into doing now that I feel better. Along with cleaning my apartment. I bought a printer while I was sick because it went on sale (I’d been waiting) and it was delivered, but I haven’t gotten around to setting it up yet, due to being too tired, and I have to clear away my old printer/scanner to make room for it. I might do that now. Not that I’ve printed or scanned anything much over the past five years or so. Just before COVID hit I was gazing at the corner where I have them all set up (I’ve got an old ink jet, a scanner and a wee laser printer) and wondered if I shouldn’t just get rid of them. But then the pandemic hit and I’ve started doing printer crafts again. And lately the scanner has started scanning only half-a-page instead of a-whole-page. And it’s fun to research and shop for products on the internet. So I found the printer I wanted, but didn’t want to pay as much as it was at regular price and waited for it to go on sale. And then it it and now I have a new printer!… in a box over there in the corner.

  • COVID-19 Journal – Entry 31

    Shadows

    I’ve had some long spaces of time lately where I am very still and just stare and think about things. Sometimes my eyes rest upon the screen of my phone/iPad where diverse distractions amuse me; sometimes they rest upon the screen of my computer where multiple episodes of television programs are played. Oft times, however, I just stare at the wall.

    This is a corner near the door in my bedroom. I greatly enjoy the cottage-cheese texture of the ceiling, and the tidy lines that define the surfaces. That one section of wall is always in shadow. Very satisfying.
    I’ve shown this phenomenon previously: the shadow of the hearts in my bedroom window appear only briefly in the afternoons on my bedroom wall. I don’t always remember to see them.
    I placed some parsley seeds in a vase on the windowsill in my dining room. They make a nice shadow against the curtains.

  • COVID-19 Journal – Entry 30

    A recent health issue

    It’s *not COVID.* I’ve been tested.

    For the past several weeks I’ve been experiencing fatigue – I feel weak all the time and get shaky if I do too much of anything. Just lack of energy. There have been no other symptoms except for a bit of a sore throat at the start. My doctor has diagnosed it as a virus that’s lasting longer than usual. Per him, most viruses leave after 14 days, but some can last 4-5 weeks. I’ve certainly had viruses in the past where I’m sick for a few days but don’t feel totally normal for weeks. Usually though I can get back to regular routines. This time will need some more time.

    I had to have a COVID test because fatigue is a symptom and my doctor couldn’t rule it out entirely (since it’s so new and no one knows entirely how it operates). However he, and everyone else I’ve talked to recently, was pretty sure I didn’t have it. I’ve been so careful with physical distancing, so it would have been weird if I had it. Note: if you need another reason to not get COVID, the test for it involves sticking a swab up, up, up your nose until it touches the back of your throat and then wiggling it around for 10 seconds. I do not recommend.

    I would like to note that all the medical people I’ve dealt with lately have been really nice. This isn’t weird, but it really helps now with a the extra nervousness around COVID. I especially appreciated how easy it was at the drive-through COVID testing site. I’m an anxious driver to start with, never mind having to do a drive-through thing when I never do drive-throughs. But I got really detailed instructions when I called to make the appointment, and there were signs and people to help guide me.

    I also had to get a blood test, and my doctor called me with the results before I thought to check for myself- it was within 24 hours, and Saturday, so I was impressed. He got me to go into to the clinic so he could listen to my chest, etc. (My first visit had been over the phone since I had a symptom, but once my COVID test was negative I could go in). Since I didn’t have an appointment at the clinic, the wait at the clinic could have been up to 5 hours (!) and the front office staff couldn’t give me an estimate of how long it was really going to be. I explained how I had fatigue and couldn’t sit for very long (a little weepy) and they were able to find a treatment room where I could lie down to wait. I said thank you a lot to everyone for this, and cozied up with a podcast. The wait ended up being just over one hour. Easy. I could have made an appointment for later in the week, but I wanted this figured out sooner than later: not only in case I needed a special treatment or something (I don’t- just self care), but also so I could figure out what to do about work as soon as I could (I updated them this morning.)

    Not stressing or overly anxious about things. It could be that I don’t have the energy. It makes things easier to be cheerful in my days. I’ve had some long quiet moments of thinking lately, and I mostly find myself hilarious.

    No socks of the day

    My morning routine right now includes lying with my feet in the sunbeam that reaches my bed. This means that my feet at warm without the use of socks!

  • COVID-19 Journal Entry 15

    I finally watched the BBC version of Jane Austen’s Sense And Sensibility. Look. Here are Elinor and Edward practicing physical distancing. Very responsible.

    This week was the week with a headache, so I retreated to my cozy bed most evenings immediately following work. To watch the aforementioned S&S so not too bad. Oooh it was also the week where I got veggies and fruit delivered to my apartment in a box, so that was both entertaining and fulfilling. This made it so I didn’t have to go to the grocery store, so bonus.

    Also, here is some ballyhoo from my facebook this evening.

  • My throat keeps getting sore. Maybe when I consume sugar? Not pleased with this. I’ll rest today as I have no plans for after work today. I’ve prepared myself an echinacea tea.

    I watched a lot of TV on Sunday. As a result I went to the library yesterday and got a couple of books, one of which I plan to read. I tried one of them but didn’t like it much so I shall return it. Too American, but I half sort of expected to not like it because of this. It had a good premise, and from the point of view from a woman with schizophrenia, but no go. I know maybe I should read more than a chapter, or half a chapter before making my decision, but whatever. I don’t want to waste my time.

    I want to watch a movie called “Hyde Park on hudson” this evening and eat salmon spaghetti. My mum bought me gluten-free pasta at Costco so I might try that. Yes. I’ve just decided that I shall, too super make sure that I feel good tomorrow.

    They brought me some fruit bread, too, mum and dad. I was supposed to take it at Christmas but everyone forgot so I have it now. I had a couple slices last night after dance. They were covered in lots of luscious butter that coated nicely my mouse and chair when I dropped. Hoo. Still tasty. I’ll save the rest for next week when I have no dance and will eat what I please for several days.

  • I don’t feel very good today. I’m afraid that I’m sick again after just getting better from the last time I was sick, like, a couple weeks ago. It feels like the same sick, too, where I’m all weak. Shit. I’m having warm liquids and echinacea throughout the day. Oh right: my throat is sore too as I was just reminded when I swallowed. I’ll have to see how I feel when I stand up again: I am on the lunchroom couch at work.

    I don’t want to be sick because I wish to dance this evening. I’ll nap after work and if I don’t wake up then I won’t go. I think there’s a sub tonight anyway.

    Boo.

    Last night I wasn’t feeling good with sore throat so I went to bed just before 7 and listened to Ideas and played solitaire on my phone. Mono-style. Rock. On.

  • I was sick last week. Nothing gross really happened but I didn’t really feel like moving a lot for about five days. I could tell sickness was looming on the Friday but I swallowed a bunch of echinacea and drank a lot of water and went to dance class anyway and that felt fine. Maybe a little more tired than usual after.

    I was meant to go to Vancouver the next day to see West Side Story with Julie. However, when I got home from dance I got a text from her saying she’d been injured on the bus. So we planned to take it easy while I was there.   But then when I woke up sick in the morning I cancelled my going. It was for the best anyway since she wasn’t feeling very good either. She was able to find someone who was not as cursed as we were to take the tickets, so that’s good. 

    I was sickly for five days after that. Seven really, but I managed to go to work on the next Friday. During my sick time I spent a lot of time on my reclining chair, eating various types of porridge (cornmeal, Scottish oats, regular oats with flax seeds). I ate other stuff too.   My throat was sore for maybe a day, but it didn’t prevent me from eating, thank goodness.

    I watched all the streaming TV shows that I could on my computer. Now I’ve watched all the shows and there’s no more due to the Olympics.   I only watched one Olympics and that was the men’s short program for figure skating. I read my book during the parts where there was no skating.

    I read the Divergent series of books. I had bought one on sale at walmart a few weeks ago and read it and it was satisfying enough so I downloaded the others on to my old phone and read them while I was sick. They’re young adult books in a post-something-happened-in-America-to-make-it-significantly-different type setting. You know. And the kids living in it are part of the changing it. *You know*. There is a healthy dose of boys and girls getting together and touching and kissing and relationships and blah blah blah. I wasn’t turned off by the first person narrative this time (like I was with Hunger Games) but the last book gave a hint of what was to come when it was split into 2 points of view. I didn’t catch on until the main characters seemed a little too happy in their relationship late in the book. A definite give-away with so many pages still to come.   Also, the lesser characters maybe weren’t developed as well as they might be (for one of them I just pictured Draco Malfoy).